Just a quick blog. Did some stuff this weekend. Went to Olive Forge, got some soap & some thoughts together. It's always so peaceful out there. Plus M & D are so kind and make me feel so welcome. Plus I ALWAYS learn something new out there about herbs and plants or lore. And I love to learn new things above anything else I can do for myself...other than cuddle my baby, got to enjoy that while I can.  When to my SIL house for my MIL, Wanda's birthday. We grilled out & had alot of fun. Even played my guitar at Wanda's request. :)  My SIL, Jenny, will find out next month what the baby is (hopefully) and has decided to cloth diaper! Yippeee to that. Working on all the descriptions for my stocking today (and yesterday), that's harder for me than coming up with the ideas for the item itself. Weird huh? Mike came over yesterday and laid down a couple tracks of the song he wrote for Tommy. I'm trying to convince myself that sitting around feeling sad that he is gone, although I can't help it, cause everyone that knows me, but didn't know him, it's like they can just TELL something is wrong or bothering me, mostly because they ask. Is it that easy to see? Jezzz man. But he loved having fun, he was so dang funny, and he'd be pissed to know we had put a brake on our lives because of him. We all just got to learn to go on without him in our lives, like Tammy said. So going to work with learning to use the potty again this week. Our diapers have about had it, but have been using them over a year. Gotta work my behind off today, got to have my bills caught up by the 13th or they are getting cut off. :(

It's just 8am, haven't been up long. Had a dream have to get it down cause like all dreams the details are already fading away...

Tommy called me on the phone. Can't remember where I was. He'd told me No, of course he was alive, it was all a big misunderstanding, that wasn't really him that got buried. Ithink I wass longer on the phone, but can't remember what all else he said, just near the end of dream.  Next in the dream I remember going to holiday inn express, which I used to worked maintenance at like 5-6 years ago. I was telling all the housekeepers as I came in how happy I was and I wasn't staying cause Tommy was BACK! That he wasn't really dead, that that was all wrong, he was alive!  Fast forward, I'm with Tommy, Tasha, the kids too, don't know where Dwane or my own kids were, and know already can't even remember if they were in it at all.  The outside is their old house downtown, from before Cammie was even born, that house was torn down for duplexes a few years back. But I think inside was Tommy grandmas old place on gordon hwy. Tommy's wearing some blue jeans and a plaid gray shirt. I ran up & hugged him and started apologizing for all the times I'd ever been rude to him, I never really meant it, I was so sorry, it was only cause I loved Tasha I'd ever actted like that. And he said..I know you Rhonda and I know you never could hate someone. I love you little siter come give me a hug already! look how long I've been gone. So I ran up & hugged him and I could almost smell colonge on him & I could hear their kids running around us , yeah daddy's back! And Tasha standing beside us. Then he took me by the shoulders and set me back all of  a sudden, looked me straight in the eyes and said- I'm not really back, I can't be, but I am watching... I know you all love me, don't worry about it. 

There was smething else he was saying, but it faded before I could hear, Dwane woke me up since Kayden was awake & I didn't seem to hear anything. When he asked me why I was crying, I was like, it was a bad dream, no, it was a good dream, just bad waking up. So he's gone to work, I still feel sick, and now just sad.

He's been gone for 18 days, gone from all our lives physically, but probably never has he been on the hearts & thoughts of so many people at once.  Death is weird. I know it's the point of life, to live it, eventually to die...it just never feels right to the ones left behind. I sit & watch while everyone around me tries to pick up the pieces & get their life back together. Including myself. Stress is getting the better of me I think, trying not to worry so much about the bills, hard not too. though, I hope my stocking goes well, we need the money so badly and I know no other way to make some. I can't even find a real job now.

I can type whatever I want cause I am truely ALONE in the universe...What to do, what to do? Bills behind, no funds at all now, not even making it paycheck to paycheck..can't find a job & no spare gas money to keep looking, no sales, no help, no advice even from online. Tired of them calling over & over again...damn it ppl, don't you think if we had money to pay, you'd been paid already?! All my friends in real life move away, I am not even going to make friends with anyone anymore, not worth the hassle or sadness later when they are gone. I suck anyways, so depressed...I can't figure out a solution to all these problems, I want to go the dr so bad, the headaches get worst & worst, i couldn't even see the other day. it's like an pointy end of icepick is stuck in my head instead of bone. But who's got money for more tests? I don't even have insureance. I just wish they'd go away forever, i can't function sometimes..stupid head injuries. Then others are like, go get ssi...heck, i know a few ppl who NEED theirs and can't even get it, gov't don't help nobody like me & mine.