I thought it was Wednesday when i woke up. On the sofa, were I finally fell asleep. Dwane said he tried a few times to get me to go to bed, but had to leave me there. At least I feel somewhat rested today. So I've been looking around on the net trying to occupy my mind while Kayden has his free time play (basically ignores me while he plays stuff I'm obviously not allowed to be part of!)  Ruca has been constantly by my side since she came back home, maybe she missed me, or just realizes I'm sad...she is just a pup still. She was spayed last week and her poor little belly wants to be rubbed but I don't want to risk tearing one of her stitches. Better now than before the weather gets cool and while she's still so young. Here's my PSA for the day- Spay/Neuter your pets! Me & D both have worked with animals too long not to shove it into anyone that can listens ears!

 So anyway, I can't stop worring about my sister, this is making me feel crazy. And wondering why, why were those damn pills and crap so much more important to him than Cammie, than Gavin, than his own self. Why? He was such a good person, really, but his actions literaly destroyed his life. It's just not fair! And everyone around me, myself included is blaming themselves to some extent, for not doing enough, doing too much, all of the above. Grief is a multi-faceted response to loss. That's what is said in the dictionary. Sums it up well. Kubler-Ross identified 5 stages of grief~ Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. Then there's Dr. R. Temes with three stages~Numbness (mechanical functioning and social insulation), Disorganization (intensely painful feelings of loss), and Reorganization (re-entry into a more 'normal' social life.)  I think most of us are in the denial/anger/depression stages all at once right now. A true wakup for some and more defiantly life altering event too. As of now we still do not know when the funeral will be held. I wonder how the kids are doing and how life will be from now on. If my heart wass happy today, I could enjoy this day. It's bright, and blue skied, light fluffy clouds out there, and there's still alot of green all around. But the colors seem..muted today. Just can't seem to find a way to enjoy it today, as much as I want to, I really do. But for now, I have to make my little man some lunch.